CHRONICLES OF THE PALM WINE SHOP. EPISODE THREE: OGA JEGA JAGA

(Music playing on a radio set in the palm wine store)

Who steal your bleaching (Foolish)

Your precious bleaching

You buy am for shopping, for 40 naira 

Ah, Oga Jega-Jaga welcome o, e b like say you hapi well well today sotѐ you dey follow sing

Madam Josephine, I just dey hapi o, Shame don catch bad pipu. God don shame all my enemis.   Dem wan put san san for my garri. But God pass them

Thank God o, abeg sidon make I give u beta pami. I prepare dis one especially for you sa

Thank you madam Josephine (tastes palm wine)

Ewѐlѐ! dis one strong well well o

You sure say dis one no go turn my belle?

No sa, na just the way you like am. Dis one go make you stand Gidigba!

Kai, Madam Josephine, I just dey reach here now, cool down first, that discussion na for later

Okay Oga Jega-Jaga. I just dey sensitize you, abi no be so una dey talk am (giggles)

Shey you hear say dem kill some pipu plenty for this election?

Dis politicians too wicked, Na just the thin wey dem go chop dem dey think. Everything Na just for their pocket. Only God fit save us from dem o. Na Bomb dey rain now. So dem go kill even pikin sef to take reach office tiff money. Election for dis side pissfull sha. All of us for dis yard com aside com vote. People no too deceive people. Election free and fair well well. My oga sef, vote o.

Anyway Na dem sabi, we go only try awa best. We no go kill awa sef for dis work. Me sef get wife and pikin.

Which one be your wife and pikin for dis mata now (frowns), abeg tuk beta jare. No just call that woman name for my side again.

You sef, you too dey vex. Come here first make I check weda than thin na how I take leave am. Ewѐlѐ! na still the same size sef, this ya husband na proper Mumu. E no just dey try. By the way, where our friend Lebele sef?

E travel dis morning go visit awa in-law for hospital (Smiling)

(Three Heavily Armed Police Men Enter the Palm Wine Store)

Eh eh, everybody lie down there. You are all under arrest for treason

Wetin apen oga police, wetin we do for you people

You are very stupid for that question, una no here say no movement for election. I say lie down dere. Your fada.

(They both lie down)

My name be Inspector Iwu, and dis two officers be sergeant Tafa and constable Balogun

We here say crime dey apen for here.

Oga no crime for here o. Instead of make una go catch pipu wey dey bomb everywhere na innocent civilian una wan harass. Na pami I dey sell for here and dis man here na my customer.

So na your customer dey hold your waist like this abi. (Holds her firmly). Oya give me two cups of pami now (He fastens hold on her waists and begins to go lower)

Officer, which kain nonsense be all dis one. Abeg leave me jare, Idiot. Shameless man

Oya make all of una drop small thin for the boys make we go. Country no easy at all

 Sergeant Iwu, stop and search all of them.

Hey no touch me dere o. That place resemble money so?  I no go give una any money. Make una go work proper work. No difference between police and tiff again.

Chei, Inspector Iwu, this woman don insult us. Make I fire am?

Oga police, abeg no fire anybody o.  Make una hear me first abeg. We no need all dis palaver. If una no who I be una no go dey do this kain thin walai.

Yes, who are you Mr. Man?

(Standing Up) I am Oga Jega-Jaga, the man of the moment. The man everyone is talking about (Spins round to show off)

Sergeant Tafa, abeg follow dis man with slap.

Kpoa (Sound of heavy blow on face).  Your fada, you dey crase. I say lie down there. I dey find money, you dey spin like peacock. Inspector Tafa, you don check the picture say e correct so?

Yes sir, na the person be dis. Im don talk am with in mouth sef, no need for foda story.  

 Sergeant Tafa, constable Balogun, oya faya ram.

Collect (Gun shot); Collect Again (Another Shot)…

(Inspector Iwu makes a telephone call)

Yes Sir, we don finish the job.  The person wey dey dagbaru all awa election don kpai. Back to business as usual sir. Thank you sa. Yes sa, we go file case of accidental discharge sir. No problem sir.  Yes sa, we go give am her share.

Madam Josephine, na ya share be this, take…

THE END

©2011 Ewoigbokhan Otaigbe Itua

N.B: The characters used in this piece are fictional and semblance to real persons is entirely coincidental