Monday, November 21, 2011

CHRONICLES OF A MOTOR PARK: MR. DABID MAKUS

Lagos: The City of Chaotic Order


(Conductors Chanting)
 Oshodi Oke, Oshodi Oke
Iyana-Ipaja, Iyana- Ipaja
Ojuelegba-Stadium-Baracks
Ketu-Ojota-Mile 12
Oshodi Oshodi Oke, Oshodi Oshodi Oke

Ewole kpelu changi o, Enta wit your change
Na sis for back, madam abeg shift inside
Ketu lanlo straight o, no dropping for Maryland
Madam I say shift make another passenga enta; na sis for back
Dis place tite now, where you want make I shift go
Na sis passenga we dey carry for back
Idi e ti to bi ju!
Your papa, you tink say I no hear yoroba
Na your mama you dey follow tuck. Ekwensu. Otunegi caravan
Passenga fe wole. If you no wan shift come down
Madam please come and sit in front with me
Conductor, shebi na two for front, make she come manage with me for here
(Driver interjects) Na one for front. Awon olopa wan titi o. Police dey road o. Abi you get waso wey you go give dem.
If that’s the case, make she come front, I go settle dem.

(Passengers wait for last commuter)

Onwole Okpomo (Pregnant woman with infants strapped to her back finally enters and sits)
Your money for back. Three hundred naira change o
(Up roar in bus)
What rubbish, For What, Lai Lai, God forbid, You Be Tiff? Omo Ale Oshi, Ko ni Da fu e
When I dey suffa buy fuel, 200 naira pa lita, where you dey? Govament don commot subsidy.
Sodiafor pay me my money or come down. Ko si story!
Dem commot subsidy no mean say bus wey I enta yestaday for here 70 naira go don reach 300. Which kain tiff you be sef? Driver you no go caution your conductor?
No be fight o, if you no fit pay me my money, abeg come down. Iyana-Ipaja, Iyana-Ipaja;
Iyana-Ipaja, Iyana-Ipaja (He chants)

Only God knows what dis country is turning into.
Na Yesterday, President Lucky announce the removal of subsidy and everything don go up.
Imagine Yaba to Ojuelegba dis moning na 100 naira. See as people dey rush for BRT today like animal.  Na God go punish dis government people. I say God go punish all of them. Na me Mr. Dabid Makus tuk am….

To Be Continued...

©2011 Ewoigbokhan Otaigbe Itua
NB: The characters used in this piece are fictional and semblance to real persons is entirely coincidental

Itualive! ™




Sunday, November 13, 2011

Everybody Loves Ice Prince? Really?



For a while, there has been a subdued debate on the prowess of Ice prince. It was not an argument that could be shouted from rooftops since its major proposition was that the man could rival fellow label mate MI, on the microphone. It was not an entirely outrageous position to take, after all the man had excelled in pretty much all of the cameos he has been in and the only thing in his way, it seemed, was the set hierarchy in Chocolate City: MI>Jesse Jags> Ice Prince> Brymo. An order spelt out by the head honcho himself on Represent.

That paragraph is composed in the past tense intentionally. For the man has put an end to the debate himself. So, is Ice Prince MI’s equal? The answer is a definite no. He is not even remotely close. It was easy to be fooled that he might be able to compete where he in another crew with a less clearcut order with his swagger and competent flow. The brief bits on Samklef’s Molowo Noni, the Choc Boiz’ songs and his own Oleku created an anticipation that when he finally gets his chance on the Chocolate City roster he would give us a full regimen of what had previously been administered in minute doses.

Fate has other plans though for Ice Prince is a choker. There were signs- the most infamous been the freestyle session at Tim Westwood where he ‘freestyled from his phone’. The public mostly ignored this as not every emcee is gifted at freestyling. He’d come good was the thought when he has time to craft lines to the beats of one of Nigeria’s finest producers Jesse Jags. Well, he has deflated those hopes with an album that refuses (or cannot) decide what it wants to be.

Ice had Chocolate City’s previous releases as template for ambition: the first MI album Talk About It was an obvious game changer with its sophisticated beats and weird skit titles, Jags’ Jags Of All Tradez was eclectic, designed to show his range with a slight advantage to his production ability, MI2 with all its shortcomings was a hyperactive effort with one eye on commercial viability. These albums had an agenda and fulfilled them to a reasonable extent. Everyone Loves Ice Prince(ELI) is an amorphous entity unsure, uncertain of what it wants to be. Between the homage of awkward album opener I Remember to the boasts on Oleku; the weak rapping on the Kelly Handsome-like Juju to the singing on Find You (Drake’s Find Your Love, anyone?); the championing of his skills to the lines taken from Kanye (You should be honoured and bow to greatness)and Frank Ocean (“We made it sweet baby Jesus”), the African beat on Superstar to the quasi-reggae on Magician, a lot of the intended effect gets lost. Even his normally reliable lines fall flat. Excerpts: “You like that movie magic cos you got much action,” “Your body too smooth like lotion,” “Life is going fast so I’m making my slo mo”, “You gat wings, Imma lend u my feathers” “Life is a picture, you better get your photo”, “You must be a producer, you make my heart beat”.

Less than impressive production means these ridiculous lines are bare, out with no place to hide. Even Oleku has its duds: “Too many songs, but mine is latest.”
The album doesn’t work and might have benefitted from A-list artistes but with the exception of Tuface, Wizkid and the rest of the Choc Boiz, the guests are almost entirely obscure which might have been a smaller mountain for a more vast artist- Jags Of All Tradez had unknown vocalists Eve and Lindsey both of whom produced rapturous choruses. For ELI, Ice gets Sean Tero whose career never did take off and some other less than familiar names. When either one of the interchangeable guests, Yung L and J-Milla say earnestly “You sing for me girl like Mozart”, it might take superhuman might not to push skip.

Still, this album is Ice Prince’s. He has been pegged back by this less than average debut. Considering how long it took him to get his record out in the first place, taking into account the schedule of Chocolate City, it might be another Olympiad before he gets a chance to redeem himself. Already, some are saying deliberate sabotage on the part of his Chocolate City superiors, unreasonably it seems but there are questions: how come MI2 had for Number 1, its highlife song the best of the new Ibo crooners, Flavour while ELI gets the less than competent Wizboy for By This Time? Whose idea was it that Ice Prince anchors most of his own choruses? Why is Brymo not on another song based on the success of Oleku?


Indeed in an album where everyone involved must hang their head low, the real winner is MI who after the mismatch that was Kelly Handsome has just emerged unscathed out of a battle that had potential without even taking a shot. Hip hop heads would have to wait for a worthy opponent.

As for Ice Prince, hopefully the delightful cameos would continue and perhaps he just might think twice before proclaiming everyone loves him on his sophomore since, as his debut has proven, he is no Ray Romano.

Oris Aigbokhaevbolo
Asokoro, Abuja

Sunday, November 6, 2011

FUEL SUBSIDY, BABA SUWE, AND ONE OTHER THING



The news making the rounds in recent times is government’s decision to completely remove fuel subsidy by January 2012. The decision has thrown up a nationwide debate that has polarized views with the majority kicking against it. While some, especially government officials have thrown their weight fully behind it, most like myself scream blue murder. President Jonathan seems quite convinced that fuel subsidy is the cause of every Nigerian problem and expects well meaning Nigerians like you and I to see reason with him.
President Jonathan’s two major proposals since assumption of office have been met with stiff opposition. First, he proposed a six-year single term in office for Presidents and Governors. The reason: to reduce the “desperation” and corruption while seeking elective office. I still think it curious that tenure elongation would be the first major business a newly elected government should be canvassing. This verve or “ginger” should have been directed towards delivering on election promises like providing Nigerians with stable electricity and rehabilitating roads and the usual brouhaha.  In my opinion, this move sought to benefit politicians more than the common man (whatever this means). Besides in a society where politicians have abused opportunities time and again, Nigerians have grown both suspicious and cynical of politicians’ motives and so the the last thing you want to do is bring this kind of thing up early in your administration even if your name is Goodluck.
 His second major attempt at brilliant policy making is turning out to be yet another disaster. Arguments supporting the retention or abolition of fuel subsidy abound, and after hearing both sides, I believe yet again that common sense is really not common. The numerous reasons supporting subsidy removal may not lack credence but its implementation is mistimed. I have been extremely careful in criticizing President Jonathan. I strongly believe some people should be giving time to “adjust” to their new roles. I am also aware that Nigerians are very religious people who seek a messiah that performs instant miracles. And when they realize that the blind aren’t seeing and the lame aren’t walking, we do what we know how to do best: complain! So I have been slow to throw any sort of diatribe or reveal my disparaging views but my patience is fast wearing thin. The lethargy in government is unbecoming and motion is like that of a rocking chair. In the words of Tu-face Idibia (aka Tu Baba), “Nothing dey Happen”.
 After taking a critical look at the two arguments on fuel subsidy we will see why government should go “sofree sofree” on this issue.

THE “SUBSIDY FRAUD”
The major argument against fuel subsidy is the humongous fraud inherent in it.  Millions are paid out to undeserving individuals daily at the expense of the ordinary Nigerian. The subsidy which is supposed to support the common man (I hate this word)  is a smoke screen for the thievery happening behind the scene. The government once again blames the faceless cabal who they say is bleeding the nation out. Am not sure whether it’s the same cabal who fought Jonathan before he became substantive president or whether it’s another one. It appears that when any government has lost ideas on what to do, it blames a cabal. Let me give you a sneak-peek of how this fraud works.   A fuel importer could bring in 1000 metric tonnes and claim subsidy for 8,000 metric tonnes.  The “goodies” from the remaining 7000 tonnes will be shared. I will leave you to do the math. It runs into millions of naira each day. Everybody you can think of is involved. The oil companies contracted to import the fuel, the custom officers who sign off on the inflation of the figures, and off course you can’t do all this without the government officials who actually give the contracts. All these people make up the cabal.   A newspaper columnist gave me an insight into another dimension of the fraud which happens when the products imported are stored. He says, “because the NNPC imports more than it has storage facility for, the product is usually stored at private tank farms. If NNPC stores 30 million litres with your farm, you don’t have to account for 10 million litres. There is a process by which you can account for only 5 million litres as long as you know how to share the proceeds of the remaining 5 million litres with those who matter”. There are other “avenues” where members of the infamous cabal clean us out. The one I find most intriguing is this:  If the landing cost of PMS is N100 (it could be more), the importer gets subsidy payment of N35 per litre since our pump price is pegged at N65.   Off course you see nothing wrong at face value but if you knew that there are different grades of PMS (that sell at different prices) and as I here, the worst grade is imported into Nigeria but this importer gets paid as though he brought in the premium. An importer who brings in fuel can claim demurrage for   one month instead of one week. The people at the Petroleum Products Pricing Regulatory Agency (PPRA) approve the one month and get their cut. The fuel after being discharged is sent to all over the country and the Petroleum equalization fund (PEF) pays for the transportation to all corners of Nigeria to ensure that the fuel costs the same everywhere. The PEF guys make their cut when the marketer claims he sent 10 trucks to Sokoto while he only sent 5... Phew! Call it what you like, I call it blood money. This kind of corruption is just mad. You wake up early everyday working your butt off to make a life for yourself and there are people out there cheating their way into stupendous wealth. Truth be told, this kind of corruption is hard to resist. Some priest will gladly rip off the cassock for such a bounty. So it should not surprise you that for over almost two decades our refineries have been dead. No investor will touch them with a long stick. The money from importation is just too sweet. Government knows now that it is a waste of time to try to repair them. When you hear about Turn-Around-Maintenance (TAM), it is another scam to “chop” money. The money is shared because fixing those refineries would mean the end to the evil trade. It’s that simple. You will need real help to misunderstand it.  As at 2000, the amount spent on subsidy was about N1.5billion annually but it has risen to about N1.2 trillion in the first nine months of 2011- nearly the size of the capital budget for 2011! And this is why President Goodluck rightfully wants to get rid of subsidy.
The government’s position looks tenable until you begin to imagine the unbridled suffering it would cause the common man (once again). The poverty in the land is pervasive already and an increase in the pump price of fuel will doubtlessly lead to increased hardship. A day in Oshodi or Apapa in Lagos (am sure the same holds in Sokoto, Kano, Bauchi, Kogi, Benue and other Nigerian cities) will give anyone a wakeup call on what Nigerians go through to survive daily. Young men who should be in school or working decent jobs carry super yogo, viju and fan milk to sell in a country that produces oil.  Like citizens of other oil producing countries, Nigerians are entitled to derive maximum benefit from crude oil.  Citizens of the UAE do NOT do menial jobs. They live dignified lives but because of our leaders we are made suffer.  An investigation recently conducted by a Nigerian newspaper revealed that ‘petrol sells for the equivalent of N58.40k in Iran, N30.55k in Kuwait, N32.12k in Qatar; N17.52k in Saudi Arabia, N54.00k in the United Arab Emirates, N15.95k in Libya, N39.42k in Bahrain. They pay far less than what we are forced here to pay. Each of the aforementioned countries has functional refineries. For instance, Venezuela has 18 refineries most of which are dedicated to the exportation of refined petroleum products. In Nigeria, our four refineries currently produce below 10% of their capacity. If the National Assembly endorses the removal of subsidy, Nigerians would pay about N144 for a litre of petrol as if life wasn’t hard enough. Anytime I drive on Agege Motor Road on my way to church in Ota, I keep myself from cursing every minister of transport in Nigeria. The number of pot holes on the road outweighs the paved roads. A single pot hole can keep you an extra hour reducing life expectancy because of stress. 
Every decision government takes has no way of improving the quality of life of the common man (last time I promise). Whenever government takes decisions, it is always the citizens that bear the brunt. This present government has always taken the laziest approach to things. It is far easier to remove subsidy that to “fish-out” the criminals who are feasting on our common wealth.  It is easier to elongate one’s tenure than to fix the corruption that makes elective positions so juicy that no one can resist. It is easier to negotiate with terrorist (Boko Haram) than do the harder task of investing in intelligence gathering and enforcing laws against terrorism. Boko Haram went on a killing (or bombing) orgy completely emasculating our security agencies. They murdered people needlessly in Northern Nigeria but government only began to take them seriously when Abuja became a target. Who is fooling who?
 As regards fuel subsidy, the responsible step would have been to prosecute the culprits but because one cannot be an integral member of the “cabal” and not have friends in government especially if those friends provide campaign funds. So it’s best to do it through the back door where nobody will be offended. The people who did the electing are left to suffer the repercussion and those hemorrhaging the country can throw lavish parties and buy more properties in Dubai and London. It’s sickening!  
If a government is advocating austerity measures among her citizens, it should lead by example. What is one minister doing with up to 10 personal assistants? The Nigerian government’s recurrent expenditure is about 70% of the budget and they want the poor people to suffer for their profligacy? What are the National Assembly members doing with 360 new cars? President Goodluck led the highest contingent of about 120 people to Australia for the Commonwealth Heads of Government Meeting (CHOGM) with three executive jets. Who pays for the jet fuel and maintenance of these jets? Won’t everyone aboard the plane be paid estacodes and per diem for saying “Yessir, Yessir”? If the government will not reduce its spending to save for capital projects it has no moral or legal right (I think my lawyer friends refer to this as locus standi) to demand that Nigerians take on the extra burden. By the way, the Head of the Commonwealth of Nations, the Queen of England, went by British Airways (BA).
Nigerian governments should learn to be responsible and do the right thing and this is why I will not support fuel subsidy removal now. What exactly does the government do for her citizens as a social responsibility? The only thing that is considered as social security-subsidy-now hangs in the balance. Every bill that will benefit the common man (aarghh) and develop the Nigerian economy like the PIB is stalled in the National Assembly. But when it comes to allocating allowances and buying new cars, they say the ayes very fast and the gavel is hammered. State government will “drag leg” to pay minimum wage but will approve a new governors lodge “shap shap”.   Is subsidy the reason why we have unpaved roads and underdeveloped towns and cities? What is the assurance that the extra money from subsidy removal will be used properly and not enter “one chance”?
I can go on and on on this issue but it has already been over flogged. The conclusion of the whole matter is this: the government can never inspire patriotism in her citizen till it begins to protect and provide for them. I hate the fact that a few are benefiting from what belongs to 80 percent of us, but a system created them and the system should destroy them. Any more encroachment into the space of the common man (lol) may lead to Armageddon.

BABA SUWE DOES NOT GIVE A “SHIT”!
Babatunde Omidina popularly as Baba Suwe has been released after being detained by officials of the National Drug Law Enforcement Agency (NDLEA) for 23 days on the suspicion that he had ingested “16 wraps” of an illegal substance. His “shit” has been a matter of public discussion for all who cared to know. A man who has made us laugh and helped lighten the mood in our homes was subjected to such humiliation and it should not be taken lightly. Our politicians loot our treasury and are celebrated and given chieftaincy titles and MON’s. Someone who plies an honest trade is being harassed. I pray he sues them five ways from London!



ARSENAL FOR LIFE
We lost miserably to Manchester United in our worst defeat in almost a century earlier this season. We also had a terrible run in the Premier league but we have managed to survive. We haven’t just survived; we are almost back in the title race. All that is left is for Man City to lose five times while we win. Also Man United and Chelsea also have to lose a couple while we win. Em em, even Newcastle United has to lose. Phew!

©Ewoigbokhan Otaigbe Itua

Lagos, Nigeria
Itualive! ™